We Change Your Channel

Sandie Black is one million people. This compilation was intended for Lorne Michales, but we got distracted. Among many characters, this is Sandie as a Hollywood wannabe named Sebastian: ________________ My mother is always droning at me about the Da Vinci Code. "It's just typing, a monkey could do it." She wants me to be Stephen King so I can look after her when her femoral arteries clog in plaque. She's already hobbling around like a poisoned rat, but who wants to be Stephen King? (pause) Stephen King is stuck in a trap, doodling nightmares, when he could be me, perched on the abyss, one misstep from eternal anonymity. Stephen King wants to be me, that should be the title of my novel. And then when that's a real bestseller, you know, movie advance and Katie Couric, my next book will be called Stephen King Is Me, and I'll write the whole thing with just my left hand while my right hand holds the gun pressed against my temple, and my muse will be my mother saying, "Shoot him, put the fucker out of his misery."